M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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