I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
