I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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