I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
