i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
