Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
