If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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