Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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