I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
