saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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