I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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