overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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