Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
