every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
