Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
