our cab driver is having phone sex.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
