I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
