was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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