im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My life is pants optional.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
