She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize