u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
