glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
