Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize