My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
