Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
