My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
