Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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