My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
