If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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