this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Welp...herpes.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
