i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I love you. Go after that dick
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
