I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
