I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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