At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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