it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
