You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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