You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
