hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize