Soap is not a condiment
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
