mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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