dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just found puke in my bra..
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
