The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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