your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
