a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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