you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
