If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
