I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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