i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
So vagazzling was a success
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize