Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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