remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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