I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
