I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i've created a new STD.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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