Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
