I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
