so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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