Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
