Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
