does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
