I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
