shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Im part way to drunk.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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