Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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